Yes, today I have decided about to write suicide. It is the most damning and worst thing that exists in this world. I want to share a story of an 11 year old boy who decided to commit suicide.
His name for confidentiality sake let’s consider as Naveen. He was studying in the 6th standard and his school was not more than a kilometer from his home. He was medium built boy for his age, bit short than his peers, short hairs, not so fair and mildly ugly face.
He was very much interested in sports and especially cricket. It was his all time passion. He used to do bowl with imaginary cricket ball in his hand to imaginary bats men at an imaginary end. He used to hit sixes and boundaries with his imaginary bat out of the deliveries bowled by his imaginary bowlers. Also he used to take great catches by catching balls bouncing off the wall and land on the bed.
People used to made fun of him for his peculiar habit. But he never cared. He was sure that once in his life he will play for Indian Cricket team. He admired budding Sachin Tendulkar and worshipped Kapil Dev. His love for cricket was hereditary. His father was also mad about cricket. His father made him to sit on his lap and explain him the rules and players of cricket. ‘This is Graham Gooch, he is dangerous batsmen’, ‘This is Vivian Richards he is a nightmare to bowlers’, ‘If bowler steps out of crease line while bowling it’s a no-ball’, ‘This is Kapil Dev and he is a boon to Indian cricket’………..
Inculcation of cricket passion helped to his son helped his father in some way. If a match is ongoing on a working day his father would call him from office and ask about the score and discuss about the fate of the match. I’m talking about golden 80s when there were no any Cable TVs or internet.
Naveen was so immersed in cricket that it was the only thing which he thought about while he was eating, reading, bathing, walking, running, playing etc. Also he played lot of cricket with his friends. However, it was difficult to play cricket on school days but second half of Saturdays and entire day of Sundays were filled with countless Cricket matches.
When you love someone or something so much then obviously you will ignore other people or things. Naveen ignored his studies. A class test was scheduled during India’s tour to Australia and he could not read properly for his test and he flunked.
Post 7 days after test the progress card was distributed to entire class. Naveen took his report card and stared at it in shock. ‘F’ was written against General Science and Social Studies. However, he was barely able to pass in other subjects. I wonder why ‘Fail’ starts with ‘F’, the reason may be that even ‘Fuck’ also starts with ‘F’. Fail means you have Fucked up pretty badly.
Naveen was completely blank about what he was supposed to do next. It was school’s rule that progress card of students had to be signed by the parents and he knew his father would beat him black and blue if he sees the ‘F’ in the progress report. It was the biggest problem he faced in his life. He was confused and tensed about his next action. It was the biggest challenge for a 11 year old kid.
First he thought he will consult B. Manjunath who was consistently failed in tests but was prompt in obtaining his parents signatures on progress report.
‘Hey Manju! You know I failed in Science and Social Studies man’
Manjunath appeared cool ‘I know buddy, but why do you appear so worried?’
‘You know’ said Naveen ‘My father will beat me up badly if he comes to know that I have failed’
‘That means you never failed in any tests?’ asked surprised Manjunath.
‘No Manju, I don’t know what to do now. How come your parents sign your progress report when you fail?’
Manjunath was trying to suppress his laugh ‘Who said my parents will sign?’ He looked either side and made sure that no one is listening to their conversation and said ‘I sign my progress card. My mother’s signature is too easy to copy. So they will not know if I have failed or passed’.
‘I can’t copy my father’s sign it’s too difficult. If teacher gets doubt then I will be in more trouble’
Manjunath looked at Naveen in pity ‘Give it to me I can copy any kind of signatures. No one will get doubt. How about your mother’s signature?’ asked Manjunath.
Naveen shook his head ‘No friend! I would not like to do this’.
After this conversation Naveen left with no other choice but to confront his father. But he did not had enough courage to walk up to his father and say that he had failed in exams and he had failed him. That was impossible. His father was very much particular about their studies. His father always kept saying that ‘I will spend all my earnings on your health and education but not on making properties. If I make property it can be stolen by others but no one can steal your education and knowledge. Its more important’. Also he had seen how his elder sister Latha was treated when she dint pass in 1 subject in one of the subject. She was not beaten but his father did not speak to her for an entire week. Later she pleaded to their father to speak to him.
As his sister was a girl beating her was prohibited but not for Naveen and his younger brother, they were been beaten at many instances. Naveen being most mischievous of the lot got beaten more than anyone. But Naveen was convinced that his parents love him more so he gets beaten more often.
He knew for sure that he will get beaten. But he was more worried about other outcomes like sending him to boarding school or throwing him out of the home. He was not yet ready for them. He liked boarding school but what will happen to his cricket team without him. They would be devastated. He can’t abandon his team while they are all planning to play against 8th grade team next year. So going to boarding school was out of the option. He imagined many times to be thrown out of the home and inspired by movies he always dreamed that he would stumble upon a pup which he would name as Tiger. Eventually he and his dog will be adopted by a childless couple. The sweet childless couple would never send him to school but will ask him to play what he wants and practice cricket. After 7 or 8 years he will be selected to Indian cricket team. While his first match is telecasted live on television then his biological parents will recognize him and will come to take him back. After much of sentimental scenes he will be accepted by both biological and adopted parents and they all live happily ever after.
At last he decided that next day will be his last day. He would end his life as he is not sure of running away from home and also he was sure that his dad will never forgive him for failing in test.
He decided that next day he would end his life. He concluded that he dint had courage to approach his father and admit that he has failed in test and also he was not ready to face the consequences that would arise by this blunder he had made.
Once he had made up his mind he thought about the ways he would end his life. First he thought about hanging himself but that would be practically impossible as he was around 4 feet tall and ceiling fan was suspended at around 15 feet from ground. Next option he thought about was running into a speeding train but this was also rejected as he that it would be more painful. Third option he thought about was to drink poison and he felt this is more sensible than other two options. So taking poison was finalized. He knew that fastest poison was cyanide as he saw in television that LTTE people consumed poison but he did not know who would sell or if he can afford it. Hence the cheap option was consuming RAT POISON which was available for 50 paise.
Next day, which was also scheduled last day of Naveen he thought of doing some good things. First thing he did was to give all his marbles to his brother. Then he went up to his neighbor’s dog Tiger and played with him for 10 minutes and bid his good bye. He asked his mother to cook his favorite breakfast. After having breakfast he hugged and kissed his mother. Also early morning he went for jog with his father and played badminton with him.
At school he tried to be nice with everyone. But still some people irritated him but he did not bother. He begged his teacher to give him one more day to get the signed progress card. His heart sank when he saw his crush. He always imagined that one day he will save her from a accident or from villains and she will fall in love with him. But now he has to sacrifice her. He told to his cricket team captain that Murali Mohan will be his replacement in case if he don’t come to match any time.
Towards the end of the class he realized that he dint get money to buy the rat poison. But he was not in mood to postpone the plan so he asked his friend Manjunath to lend him 50 paise which he promised to return next day.
After school he went to grocery store and purchase rat poison. He decided to take the poison after dinner. Evening he played cricket with his friends and ate cream bun with his father. For a moment his father placed his hand on Naveen’s head and his face flushed hot. But he realized that he might not meet his father’s expectation anytime. Also he was happy that his brother whom his father loved more will meet all his expectations.
After dinner he secretly mixed the rat poison into a glass of water. The water color changed to black. He bought the glass to his lips and paused for a moment. His father called for him and in panic he started to drink the poison mixed water. Although the water tasted like metal he gulped it down in haste.
Few minutes later he started feeling sleepy and before sleeping he thought that this would his last sleep. He closed his eyes and there was only darkness.
Well, that’s the end of Naveen and you all know what might have happen next.
Let me end the suspense. Nothing happened to Naveen he is fine and he wrote what you are reading now. Yes, Naveen is me. I gave name Naveen to create some suspense and it’s true that I tried to commit suicide. I was a boy and really stupid to do that. Now when I think I feel I was so childish and thank god that I dint die.
Next day when I was awake from my so called “last sleep” I was surprised that I was not dead. I was scared again as I did not had any other choice but to confront my father. To my surprise my dad did not react violently but was angry on me but he did sign the progress report. I promised myself I will not flunk again. To the contrary I flunked again in future not once but twice, I was courageous enough to face the situation.
I still feel that committing suicide is one of the heinous things to do in this world. It’s only killing yourself but killing one’s soul. I don’t want to lecture about anti-suicide but want to say that hope is the only pill for a depressed soul.
Why did I choose to write this? May be one day my children would read this and know that I’m not perfect after all and I did do really stupid things in my life and still be proud of me.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Love Letter
As I have mentioned in one of my previous blog that my writing skills have paid me as I used to write love letters to my friends and classmates. It happened that I met one of my old friends, Srikanth today and we had a long chat. During our conversation he reminded me of a love letter I wrote which he gave to his classmate and she fell in love with him. Eventually they got separated for some reasons which I would not like to mention here. But his girl friend, sorry, ex-girl friend was the hardest case I ever dealt with. I had a reputation of making girl’s heart melt with my writing but to be frank none of the girl’s heart melted for me.
The story goes this way, Srikanth met this girl in his class and he was head over heels about this girl. Obviously she was good looking and even my friend was not as hopeless as me in looks. But he was bit scared to approach this girl directly so he came to me seeking help. I took basic information required and wrote my standard template letter and gave it to me. Next day he came back, I thought he would have come to me to thank or to take me for a party. So I got up to congratulate him. He was bit stressed out and said that girl tore off the letter written by me. My heart sank and this was first time that my standard love letter template failed. I enquired with Srikanth if she read the letter completely. He answered that she dint even bothered to go through the letter she tore it without even glancing upon it. I could not believe that someone would be so stone hearted that they will tear off a letter written to them. At least they need to have some courtesy to look at it once because writing a love letter is not easy task it takes lot of effort, especially if you haven’t seen that person and you are not in love with that person.
I took it as a challenge, so collected lot of information about this girl and his feelings for her. I sat down one evening to write that letter. Surprisingly I could not write a word, I never thought that there will be a scenario where I will have to think further to my standard template. I was completely blank.
Next day I went to Srikanth’s college and met him. I told him that I’m not able to write anything as I feel that I have insufficient information and asked him to show me this girl. He agreed and we waited at a tea centre outside his college. I was having tea my with my left hand and smoking a cigarette with my right hand. At once Srikanth goaded me with such force that tea almost spilled on my dress. He said see there is she in white salwar kameez. I was bit irritated initially and looked at the direction he pointed. I clearly remember there were three girls and the girl in white salwar kameez was in between other two girls whom I dint bothered to look at. My entire focus was on White; she was in between 5.2 feet to 5.6 feet and had shoulder length hairs. She was beautiful indeed and she would make any boy to fall flat for her. So I felt my friend is completely innocent in this case as if I was in his position I also would have done same thing. After discussion few more things with my friend I came to home and sat again with my paper and pen. I wrote whatever I felt dint bother to review it or correct it, it was continuously non-stop for an hour. However, what’s written below is its dramatic reconstruction as the original copy of that letter might have been torn off long back. The letter might not be the exact copy of the original but in summary and message conveyed is same as original.
Hi,
I think you know who I’m by now. I wanted to ask you something, hope that tearing off my previous letter did not hurt your hands.
I don’t want to beat around the bush I just wanted to say you that I do like you a lot. May be I don’t know much about you but, I’m sure that I will like everything about you. Its not that I’m exaggerating but it’s the fact. From the moment I lay my eyes on you I knew that you are the one for me.
I do know that you keep hearing what I said from countless boys like me and to a girl like your stature will hear it more than required. You can shrug off me. Yes, you have every right to do it. I don’t want to push you for anything. Even if you reject me I do assure you that I will not trouble you in any way or will stalk you. All I want you to do is read this letter with open heart and do what you think is right.
Before you go any further I would like to ask you one more thing. If you are in love with someone already please stop here. There is no point in going further.
If you are reading this then I assume that you have not fallen love yet or if you have then he is the most boring person alive in this world. I wish his loss is going to be my gain.
I’m getting nervous as you reading further. Anyway, I need to make my point. Let me tell something more about myself. I’m from a middle class family and I’m the first son to my parents. My dad is an government employee and my mother is an housewife. I do have a brother who is studying in school. I’m average in my studies and not a genius or outstanding student.
You might think I’m a flirt and I would write these kind of letters to many other girls. This is my first love letter and even if you don’t believe me you can ask around and find out if I’m that kind of person. I really have no idea why I’m writing this letter to you. May be the reason is that I communicate very poorly through talking and one more reason is that my mouth seals itself whenever I see you and I can’t come up with single sensible sentence.
Now coming to the reason why I’m loving you. To be frank I don’t know the reason. As I told earlier, first time I lay my eyes on you I felt that you are the one in my life. Its really weired because I never felt so for anyone. I did liked few girls earlier but no one had captivated me as you did.
Till date I thought when someone said that you will know when you meet or see a person who is perfect for you is completely bull shit. But now I know what they exactly meant at the moment I saw you. I felt like god is pointing his finger at you and saying ‘Son, this is the girl I made for you. Now don’t wander around like a fool, go and claim what is yours for this life’. You might not believe me but I can certify that whatever written here is nothing but truth.
So I know I will like anything about you. I do think that we are made for each other. I can prove this to you. All I need is you to give me a chance and I assure that this chance will be for lifetime. There might be few things in me that you might not like about me but, I’m ready to change for you. That’s the least I can do for you.
If you are ready to accept me and the relation goes further and later there can be usual Indian parents opposing episode and altercations. If you are ready to stand by me I can promise that I will go to any extent to convince both of our parents and marry you and stay with you till my last breath.
You can also deny my proposal and walk away. Yes, that would hurt me and it would take some time for me to recover but you should not worry I will not take any extreme steps and will not hurt you. But I’m sure that you are love of my life. You can come back to me late at any stage of my life you will find me with same kind of love for you.
Tomorrow you can fall in love with someone whom you might consider is perfect for you or your parents might marry off to a stranger who they consider is perfect for you. Also that person might not know the actual worth of having you in their life. He might take you for granted and use like a show piece to world or worse. At that point do remember that there is someone who knows what you are and respect you for what you are and who loves you truly.
I don’t know what god has really planned for me. If I miss you now and if my love is true (which I’m sure of) I will meet you at some other point of life. No matter what’s the condition I would be at that time but we will fall in love. It might not be a perfect love story but what is perfect in this world? Love is like god who does not follow a fixed pattern or rules made by human. It can happen at any time and at any stage.
I don’t have anything else to say. I have written bluntly about my feelings and I have not tried to use poetic or sublime language but this is the way I’m.
I know that I’m not perfect but I also know that you will make me perfect and I will try my best to make you perfect.
Yours lovingly _______________
To my surprise that girl accepted my friend’s proposal. I got my money and treat as promised. But for some unknown reason they broke-up after a year. I also dint dig-up much. But I felt bit bad as I writing that letter took lot of effort.
But now I’m happy that by recreating that letter and uploading it in my blog I have immortalized it.
The story goes this way, Srikanth met this girl in his class and he was head over heels about this girl. Obviously she was good looking and even my friend was not as hopeless as me in looks. But he was bit scared to approach this girl directly so he came to me seeking help. I took basic information required and wrote my standard template letter and gave it to me. Next day he came back, I thought he would have come to me to thank or to take me for a party. So I got up to congratulate him. He was bit stressed out and said that girl tore off the letter written by me. My heart sank and this was first time that my standard love letter template failed. I enquired with Srikanth if she read the letter completely. He answered that she dint even bothered to go through the letter she tore it without even glancing upon it. I could not believe that someone would be so stone hearted that they will tear off a letter written to them. At least they need to have some courtesy to look at it once because writing a love letter is not easy task it takes lot of effort, especially if you haven’t seen that person and you are not in love with that person.
I took it as a challenge, so collected lot of information about this girl and his feelings for her. I sat down one evening to write that letter. Surprisingly I could not write a word, I never thought that there will be a scenario where I will have to think further to my standard template. I was completely blank.
Next day I went to Srikanth’s college and met him. I told him that I’m not able to write anything as I feel that I have insufficient information and asked him to show me this girl. He agreed and we waited at a tea centre outside his college. I was having tea my with my left hand and smoking a cigarette with my right hand. At once Srikanth goaded me with such force that tea almost spilled on my dress. He said see there is she in white salwar kameez. I was bit irritated initially and looked at the direction he pointed. I clearly remember there were three girls and the girl in white salwar kameez was in between other two girls whom I dint bothered to look at. My entire focus was on White; she was in between 5.2 feet to 5.6 feet and had shoulder length hairs. She was beautiful indeed and she would make any boy to fall flat for her. So I felt my friend is completely innocent in this case as if I was in his position I also would have done same thing. After discussion few more things with my friend I came to home and sat again with my paper and pen. I wrote whatever I felt dint bother to review it or correct it, it was continuously non-stop for an hour. However, what’s written below is its dramatic reconstruction as the original copy of that letter might have been torn off long back. The letter might not be the exact copy of the original but in summary and message conveyed is same as original.
Hi,
I think you know who I’m by now. I wanted to ask you something, hope that tearing off my previous letter did not hurt your hands.
I don’t want to beat around the bush I just wanted to say you that I do like you a lot. May be I don’t know much about you but, I’m sure that I will like everything about you. Its not that I’m exaggerating but it’s the fact. From the moment I lay my eyes on you I knew that you are the one for me.
I do know that you keep hearing what I said from countless boys like me and to a girl like your stature will hear it more than required. You can shrug off me. Yes, you have every right to do it. I don’t want to push you for anything. Even if you reject me I do assure you that I will not trouble you in any way or will stalk you. All I want you to do is read this letter with open heart and do what you think is right.
Before you go any further I would like to ask you one more thing. If you are in love with someone already please stop here. There is no point in going further.
If you are reading this then I assume that you have not fallen love yet or if you have then he is the most boring person alive in this world. I wish his loss is going to be my gain.
I’m getting nervous as you reading further. Anyway, I need to make my point. Let me tell something more about myself. I’m from a middle class family and I’m the first son to my parents. My dad is an government employee and my mother is an housewife. I do have a brother who is studying in school. I’m average in my studies and not a genius or outstanding student.
You might think I’m a flirt and I would write these kind of letters to many other girls. This is my first love letter and even if you don’t believe me you can ask around and find out if I’m that kind of person. I really have no idea why I’m writing this letter to you. May be the reason is that I communicate very poorly through talking and one more reason is that my mouth seals itself whenever I see you and I can’t come up with single sensible sentence.
Now coming to the reason why I’m loving you. To be frank I don’t know the reason. As I told earlier, first time I lay my eyes on you I felt that you are the one in my life. Its really weired because I never felt so for anyone. I did liked few girls earlier but no one had captivated me as you did.
Till date I thought when someone said that you will know when you meet or see a person who is perfect for you is completely bull shit. But now I know what they exactly meant at the moment I saw you. I felt like god is pointing his finger at you and saying ‘Son, this is the girl I made for you. Now don’t wander around like a fool, go and claim what is yours for this life’. You might not believe me but I can certify that whatever written here is nothing but truth.
So I know I will like anything about you. I do think that we are made for each other. I can prove this to you. All I need is you to give me a chance and I assure that this chance will be for lifetime. There might be few things in me that you might not like about me but, I’m ready to change for you. That’s the least I can do for you.
If you are ready to accept me and the relation goes further and later there can be usual Indian parents opposing episode and altercations. If you are ready to stand by me I can promise that I will go to any extent to convince both of our parents and marry you and stay with you till my last breath.
You can also deny my proposal and walk away. Yes, that would hurt me and it would take some time for me to recover but you should not worry I will not take any extreme steps and will not hurt you. But I’m sure that you are love of my life. You can come back to me late at any stage of my life you will find me with same kind of love for you.
Tomorrow you can fall in love with someone whom you might consider is perfect for you or your parents might marry off to a stranger who they consider is perfect for you. Also that person might not know the actual worth of having you in their life. He might take you for granted and use like a show piece to world or worse. At that point do remember that there is someone who knows what you are and respect you for what you are and who loves you truly.
I don’t know what god has really planned for me. If I miss you now and if my love is true (which I’m sure of) I will meet you at some other point of life. No matter what’s the condition I would be at that time but we will fall in love. It might not be a perfect love story but what is perfect in this world? Love is like god who does not follow a fixed pattern or rules made by human. It can happen at any time and at any stage.
I don’t have anything else to say. I have written bluntly about my feelings and I have not tried to use poetic or sublime language but this is the way I’m.
I know that I’m not perfect but I also know that you will make me perfect and I will try my best to make you perfect.
Yours lovingly _______________
To my surprise that girl accepted my friend’s proposal. I got my money and treat as promised. But for some unknown reason they broke-up after a year. I also dint dig-up much. But I felt bit bad as I writing that letter took lot of effort.
But now I’m happy that by recreating that letter and uploading it in my blog I have immortalized it.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
FIGHT
Hit me, punch me, crush me and bring me down with all your might
But you can't hold me down forever
My spirit has wings of its own, it will fly
It will soar and it knows where the sky ends
You can hide me, cage me, torture me and amputate me
But you can't make a caged bird sing
You can't lock my inner light, I will rise
I will shine and my inner light will blind you
If you are still not satisfied you can kill me
But you can't kill my desire
You can't capture my will, It is free
Just like my soul which is stronger than you
I will fight till my last drop of blood
I will keep my hope alive till my last breath
You are warrior of Darkness, I'm the warrior of Light
I will assure you might win the battle
But I swear on god I will win the war.
- MAHESH KOTEKERE
But you can't hold me down forever
My spirit has wings of its own, it will fly
It will soar and it knows where the sky ends
You can hide me, cage me, torture me and amputate me
But you can't make a caged bird sing
You can't lock my inner light, I will rise
I will shine and my inner light will blind you
If you are still not satisfied you can kill me
But you can't kill my desire
You can't capture my will, It is free
Just like my soul which is stronger than you
I will fight till my last drop of blood
I will keep my hope alive till my last breath
You are warrior of Darkness, I'm the warrior of Light
I will assure you might win the battle
But I swear on god I will win the war.
- MAHESH KOTEKERE
Monday, January 16, 2012
MY BREAK-UP
03 Jan 2012
Today is the day which I have been postponing since very long. Now it is the time to sit with her and explain her that ‘This is it! I don’t want to be in this relation anymore. Hope you understand me’.
It is very hard to end a relationship which is 16 years old. But everyone will agree with me that if the other person is harming you in a way beyond you can imagine then ending the relation is the smartest option.
Let me not beat around the bush, ‘I’m breaking up with my smoking’. Yes, I know many of you would think that I’m being silly or I’m writing this just to create hype. But my friends, to be frank I had very close relation with my smoking habit. All my smoking friends especially men will understand what I really mean.
My relation started with smoking around 17 years ago. It was around 8 pm and I was going to shop to get betel leaves for my dad. I saw someone has left half smoked cigarette on road without extinguishing it. I was always curious about smoking as my dad used to smoke. I stopped and checked if anyone is noticing me on the road. Road was quiet deserted. I took the cigarette in my hand. I couldn’t see the brand as it was dark. I placed the butt of the cigarette in my mouth and took in the warm smoke. Surprisingly I dint cough as most of the timers do, may be smoking was in my genes.
Again I met her roughly a year after. It was in public park in Mariyappana playa. Me and 2 of my friends decided to smoke. We decided to try it out in park secretly. We were scared to get it from the shops where we usually visit as the news can reach our parents so we purchased it from a shop which is almost 1 km away from our home.
From then on my smoking continued very much sporadically till I was 18 years old. I entered my degree college. Those were the days during which I decided I will be free and do what I like. My smoking increased from sporadically to 1 or 2 packs a day. I became addicted to her. 80% of the smokes were of shared as I would not get any allowance.
It continued unabated during my MSc days. Also in Msc I had friends from West Bengal who are known to be passionate smokers which encouraged me to dive in to abyss with my smoking.
After my MSc I joined Call Centre. I would like to describe Call Centre as the nursery and grooming centre for smokers. The stress and pressure a person undergoes in a Call Centre would goad him to take shelter in paradise called smoking to keep them under control. Also the nursery doesn’t have gender bias. First time I saw ladies smoking was in Call Centre which is big thing for me given the reason that I’m Indian. I never minded that also I did not think that borrowing a cigarette or lighter or match box from a lady as an insult to my ego.
Later I joined an MNC which involved lot of travelling which also encouraged my habit. Also I was free when I was in different city where I can smoke whatever and how much ever I need. Also we made complete utilization of smoker’s zone in our office.
My darling gave me a shock in 2007, ‘Severe Bronchitis’. I was so sick that I was not able to walk for 10 meters as I would get shortness of breath or dyspnea. Doctor suggested to quit smoking, which I did but for only 6 months. I recovered both my health and my smoking.
Everything was fine until recently I saw my almost 3 years old son imitating my smoking. It was devastating and also as an ideal father I don’t want him to follow my foot steps in this at least. I felt like kicking myself for imparting my bad habits to him. That became a solid reason for me to decide to quit smoking which I was been contemplating for over a year.
Decision was made but I do know that the road ahead will not be smooth. I have heard of withdrawal symptoms and we cannot quit smoking instantly but I have made up my mind. Hope I will have the courage and determination to come out of it completely.
Whatever I’m writing now is kind of obituary to the relation I had with my smoking. It may be easy for someone who has never smoked to tell ‘What’s so big in it?’ I feel like kicking that person. A smoker can only understand what other smokers go through and how hard it is.
Question is what have my smoking given to me? Well, it was with me when no one was there. The following instances will help.
1. It was there when I would feel happy.
2. It was there when I sat with my friends and dint talk a single word but made useful conversations.
3. It was the coolest thing in college. Many might deny but the hell it is!
4. It was there when I was listening to my girl friend without losing track.
5. It was there with me when I fought with my near and dear ones.
6. It was there when I remember my childhood.
7. It was there with me when I remembered closest people I lost.
8. It was there with me when I met my friends after long time.
9. It was there with me when I was stressed to hell and helped me to sing ‘main zindagi ke saath nibatha chala gaya, har fikr to duae mein udatha chala gaya…..’
10. No drinking session is complete without a smoke.
Many more instances but enough let me not get more nostalgic and crave for a smoke.
I started taking Nicorette which was supposed to help in quitting the habit but it tastes like hell. Also I'm not so interested in taking Electronic Cigarette. Nothing can replace the original friends. Whoever tries to give me an idea of Electronic Cigarette I feel like telling to them that its same as sleeping with inflatable doll.
Cigarette smoking is injurious to health. I agree, but there are many other things which are also injurious. Using chemically saturated make ups, using high heels, eating junk food, etc. etc. But no one opposes it. Bloody hypocrite world.
I will miss the aroma of the cigarette smoke and the pleasure of smoking itself.
16 Jan 2012
It’s been more than 12 days since I stopped smoking. I’m feeling better. Anyone can do this
P.S. – I smoked 2 cigarettes on 11 Jan 2012 when I met my friends and had 3 mugs of beer. I think it’s ok.
Today is the day which I have been postponing since very long. Now it is the time to sit with her and explain her that ‘This is it! I don’t want to be in this relation anymore. Hope you understand me’.
It is very hard to end a relationship which is 16 years old. But everyone will agree with me that if the other person is harming you in a way beyond you can imagine then ending the relation is the smartest option.
Let me not beat around the bush, ‘I’m breaking up with my smoking’. Yes, I know many of you would think that I’m being silly or I’m writing this just to create hype. But my friends, to be frank I had very close relation with my smoking habit. All my smoking friends especially men will understand what I really mean.
My relation started with smoking around 17 years ago. It was around 8 pm and I was going to shop to get betel leaves for my dad. I saw someone has left half smoked cigarette on road without extinguishing it. I was always curious about smoking as my dad used to smoke. I stopped and checked if anyone is noticing me on the road. Road was quiet deserted. I took the cigarette in my hand. I couldn’t see the brand as it was dark. I placed the butt of the cigarette in my mouth and took in the warm smoke. Surprisingly I dint cough as most of the timers do, may be smoking was in my genes.
Again I met her roughly a year after. It was in public park in Mariyappana playa. Me and 2 of my friends decided to smoke. We decided to try it out in park secretly. We were scared to get it from the shops where we usually visit as the news can reach our parents so we purchased it from a shop which is almost 1 km away from our home.
From then on my smoking continued very much sporadically till I was 18 years old. I entered my degree college. Those were the days during which I decided I will be free and do what I like. My smoking increased from sporadically to 1 or 2 packs a day. I became addicted to her. 80% of the smokes were of shared as I would not get any allowance.
It continued unabated during my MSc days. Also in Msc I had friends from West Bengal who are known to be passionate smokers which encouraged me to dive in to abyss with my smoking.
After my MSc I joined Call Centre. I would like to describe Call Centre as the nursery and grooming centre for smokers. The stress and pressure a person undergoes in a Call Centre would goad him to take shelter in paradise called smoking to keep them under control. Also the nursery doesn’t have gender bias. First time I saw ladies smoking was in Call Centre which is big thing for me given the reason that I’m Indian. I never minded that also I did not think that borrowing a cigarette or lighter or match box from a lady as an insult to my ego.
Later I joined an MNC which involved lot of travelling which also encouraged my habit. Also I was free when I was in different city where I can smoke whatever and how much ever I need. Also we made complete utilization of smoker’s zone in our office.
My darling gave me a shock in 2007, ‘Severe Bronchitis’. I was so sick that I was not able to walk for 10 meters as I would get shortness of breath or dyspnea. Doctor suggested to quit smoking, which I did but for only 6 months. I recovered both my health and my smoking.
Everything was fine until recently I saw my almost 3 years old son imitating my smoking. It was devastating and also as an ideal father I don’t want him to follow my foot steps in this at least. I felt like kicking myself for imparting my bad habits to him. That became a solid reason for me to decide to quit smoking which I was been contemplating for over a year.
Decision was made but I do know that the road ahead will not be smooth. I have heard of withdrawal symptoms and we cannot quit smoking instantly but I have made up my mind. Hope I will have the courage and determination to come out of it completely.
Whatever I’m writing now is kind of obituary to the relation I had with my smoking. It may be easy for someone who has never smoked to tell ‘What’s so big in it?’ I feel like kicking that person. A smoker can only understand what other smokers go through and how hard it is.
Question is what have my smoking given to me? Well, it was with me when no one was there. The following instances will help.
1. It was there when I would feel happy.
2. It was there when I sat with my friends and dint talk a single word but made useful conversations.
3. It was the coolest thing in college. Many might deny but the hell it is!
4. It was there when I was listening to my girl friend without losing track.
5. It was there with me when I fought with my near and dear ones.
6. It was there when I remember my childhood.
7. It was there with me when I remembered closest people I lost.
8. It was there with me when I met my friends after long time.
9. It was there with me when I was stressed to hell and helped me to sing ‘main zindagi ke saath nibatha chala gaya, har fikr to duae mein udatha chala gaya…..’
10. No drinking session is complete without a smoke.
Many more instances but enough let me not get more nostalgic and crave for a smoke.
I started taking Nicorette which was supposed to help in quitting the habit but it tastes like hell. Also I'm not so interested in taking Electronic Cigarette. Nothing can replace the original friends. Whoever tries to give me an idea of Electronic Cigarette I feel like telling to them that its same as sleeping with inflatable doll.
Cigarette smoking is injurious to health. I agree, but there are many other things which are also injurious. Using chemically saturated make ups, using high heels, eating junk food, etc. etc. But no one opposes it. Bloody hypocrite world.
I will miss the aroma of the cigarette smoke and the pleasure of smoking itself.
16 Jan 2012
It’s been more than 12 days since I stopped smoking. I’m feeling better. Anyone can do this
P.S. – I smoked 2 cigarettes on 11 Jan 2012 when I met my friends and had 3 mugs of beer. I think it’s ok.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)