SUICIDE

Yes, today I have decided about to write suicide. It is the most damning and worst thing that exists in this world. I want to share a story of an 11 year old boy who decided to commit suicide.

His name for confidentiality sake let’s consider as Naveen. He was studying in the 6th standard and his school was not more than a kilometer from his home. He was medium built boy for his age, bit short than his peers, short hairs, not so fair and mildly ugly face.

He was very much interested in sports and especially cricket. It was his all time passion. He used to do bowl with imaginary cricket ball in his hand to imaginary bats men at an imaginary end. He used to hit sixes and boundaries with his imaginary bat out of the deliveries bowled by his imaginary bowlers. Also he used to take great catches by catching balls bouncing off the wall and land on the bed.

People used to made fun of him for his peculiar habit. But he never cared. He was sure that once in his life he will play for Indian Cricket team. He admired budding Sachin Tendulkar and worshipped Kapil Dev. His love for cricket was hereditary. His father was also mad about cricket. His father made him to sit on his lap and explain him the rules and players of cricket. ‘This is Graham Gooch, he is dangerous batsmen’, ‘This is Vivian Richards he is a nightmare to bowlers’, ‘If bowler steps out of crease line while bowling it’s a no-ball’, ‘This is Kapil Dev and he is a boon to Indian cricket’………..

Inculcation of cricket passion helped to his son helped his father in some way. If a match is ongoing on a working day his father would call him from office and ask about the score and discuss about the fate of the match. I’m talking about golden 80s when there were no any Cable TVs or internet.

Naveen was so immersed in cricket that it was the only thing which he thought about while he was eating, reading, bathing, walking, running, playing etc. Also he played lot of cricket with his friends. However, it was difficult to play cricket on school days but second half of Saturdays and entire day of Sundays were filled with countless Cricket matches.

When you love someone or something so much then obviously you will ignore other people or things. Naveen ignored his studies. A class test was scheduled during India’s tour to Australia and he could not read properly for his test and he flunked.

Post 7 days after test the progress card was distributed to entire class. Naveen took his report card and stared at it in shock. ‘F’ was written against General Science and Social Studies. However, he was barely able to pass in other subjects. I wonder why ‘Fail’ starts with ‘F’, the reason may be that even ‘Fuck’ also starts with ‘F’. Fail means you have Fucked up pretty badly.

Naveen was completely blank about what he was supposed to do next. It was school’s rule that progress card of students had to be signed by the parents and he knew his father would beat him black and blue if he sees the ‘F’ in the progress report. It was the biggest problem he faced in his life. He was confused and tensed about his next action. It was the biggest challenge for a 11 year old kid.

First he thought he will consult B. Manjunath who was consistently failed in tests but was prompt in obtaining his parents signatures on progress report.

‘Hey Manju! You know I failed in Science and Social Studies man’
Manjunath appeared cool ‘I know buddy, but why do you appear so worried?’

‘You know’ said Naveen ‘My father will beat me up badly if he comes to know that I have failed’

‘That means you never failed in any tests?’ asked surprised Manjunath.

‘No Manju, I don’t know what to do now. How come your parents sign your progress report when you fail?’

Manjunath was trying to suppress his laugh ‘Who said my parents will sign?’ He looked either side and made sure that no one is listening to their conversation and said ‘I sign my progress card. My mother’s signature is too easy to copy. So they will not know if I have failed or passed’.

‘I can’t copy my father’s sign it’s too difficult. If teacher gets doubt then I will be in more trouble’

Manjunath looked at Naveen in pity ‘Give it to me I can copy any kind of signatures. No one will get doubt. How about your mother’s signature?’ asked Manjunath.

Naveen shook his head ‘No friend! I would not like to do this’.

After this conversation Naveen left with no other choice but to confront his father. But he did not had enough courage to walk up to his father and say that he had failed in exams and he had failed him. That was impossible. His father was very much particular about their studies. His father always kept saying that ‘I will spend all my earnings on your health and education but not on making properties. If I make property it can be stolen by others but no one can steal your education and knowledge. Its more important’. Also he had seen how his elder sister Latha was treated when she dint pass in 1 subject in one of the subject. She was not beaten but his father did not speak to her for an entire week. Later she pleaded to their father to speak to him.

As his sister was a girl beating her was prohibited but not for Naveen and his younger brother, they were been beaten at many instances. Naveen being most mischievous of the lot got beaten more than anyone. But Naveen was convinced that his parents love him more so he gets beaten more often.

He knew for sure that he will get beaten. But he was more worried about other outcomes like sending him to boarding school or throwing him out of the home. He was not yet ready for them. He liked boarding school but what will happen to his cricket team without him. They would be devastated. He can’t abandon his team while they are all planning to play against 8th grade team next year. So going to boarding school was out of the option. He imagined many times to be thrown out of the home and inspired by movies he always dreamed that he would stumble upon a pup which he would name as Tiger. Eventually he and his dog will be adopted by a childless couple. The sweet childless couple would never send him to school but will ask him to play what he wants and practice cricket. After 7 or 8 years he will be selected to Indian cricket team. While his first match is telecasted live on television then his biological parents will recognize him and will come to take him back. After much of sentimental scenes he will be accepted by both biological and adopted parents and they all live happily ever after.

At last he decided that next day will be his last day. He would end his life as he is not sure of running away from home and also he was sure that his dad will never forgive him for failing in test.

He decided that next day he would end his life. He concluded that he dint had courage to approach his father and admit that he has failed in test and also he was not ready to face the consequences that would arise by this blunder he had made.

Once he had made up his mind he thought about the ways he would end his life. First he thought about hanging himself but that would be practically impossible as he was around 4 feet tall and ceiling fan was suspended at around 15 feet from ground. Next option he thought about was running into a speeding train but this was also rejected as he that it would be more painful. Third option he thought about was to drink poison and he felt this is more sensible than other two options. So taking poison was finalized. He knew that fastest poison was cyanide as he saw in television that LTTE people consumed poison but he did not know who would sell or if he can afford it. Hence the cheap option was consuming RAT POISON which was available for 50 paise.

Next day, which was also scheduled last day of Naveen he thought of doing some good things. First thing he did was to give all his marbles to his brother. Then he went up to his neighbor’s dog Tiger and played with him for 10 minutes and bid his good bye. He asked his mother to cook his favorite breakfast. After having breakfast he hugged and kissed his mother. Also early morning he went for jog with his father and played badminton with him.

At school he tried to be nice with everyone. But still some people irritated him but he did not bother. He begged his teacher to give him one more day to get the signed progress card. His heart sank when he saw his crush. He always imagined that one day he will save her from a accident or from villains and she will fall in love with him. But now he has to sacrifice her. He told to his cricket team captain that Murali Mohan will be his replacement in case if he don’t come to match any time.

Towards the end of the class he realized that he dint get money to buy the rat poison. But he was not in mood to postpone the plan so he asked his friend Manjunath to lend him 50 paise which he promised to return next day.

After school he went to grocery store and purchase rat poison. He decided to take the poison after dinner. Evening he played cricket with his friends and ate cream bun with his father. For a moment his father placed his hand on Naveen’s head and his face flushed hot. But he realized that he might not meet his father’s expectation anytime. Also he was happy that his brother whom his father loved more will meet all his expectations.

After dinner he secretly mixed the rat poison into a glass of water. The water color changed to black. He bought the glass to his lips and paused for a moment. His father called for him and in panic he started to drink the poison mixed water. Although the water tasted like metal he gulped it down in haste.

Few minutes later he started feeling sleepy and before sleeping he thought that this would his last sleep. He closed his eyes and there was only darkness.

Well, that’s the end of Naveen and you all know what might have happen next.

Let me end the suspense. Nothing happened to Naveen he is fine and he wrote what you are reading now. Yes, Naveen is me. I gave name Naveen to create some suspense and it’s true that I tried to commit suicide. I was a boy and really stupid to do that. Now when I think I feel I was so childish and thank god that I dint die.
Next day when I was awake from my so called “last sleep” I was surprised that I was not dead. I was scared again as I did not had any other choice but to confront my father. To my surprise my dad did not react violently but was angry on me but he did sign the progress report. I promised myself I will not flunk again. To the contrary I flunked again in future not once but twice, I was courageous enough to face the situation.

I still feel that committing suicide is one of the heinous things to do in this world. It’s only killing yourself but killing one’s soul. I don’t want to lecture about anti-suicide but want to say that hope is the only pill for a depressed soul.

Why did I choose to write this? May be one day my children would read this and know that I’m not perfect after all and I did do really stupid things in my life and still be proud of me.